Thursday, March 27, 2014

Bring it Kids

In this house you never know what is going to happen. 
Phil is known for telling wild stories and trying to get people to believe them.
He once said that Aus Jus came from a plant called the Ah plant grown on an Island. 
He recently told my daughter that she needed to close the garage door (It irritates him when the kids and I leave it open.) because terrorist, rapist, might come in and deflower him. Did she really want that on her conscience? 
Both of us say random thing to the children, and my sister. 
We told my sister that George Strait sang some song that was a Rascal Flatts song. It irritated her so bad she went straight in the house and looked it up to prove us wrong. We just laughed and laughed at her.
The problem is that it is rubbing off on our kids. All the pranks and jokes that we have pulled are coming back as they are learning to do things to each other.
For example my daughter loves toe socks. My son went in and cut all the toes out of them. She in turn went into his room and taped all his stuff to the ceiling and walls. Once my son put about 200 rubber bands on her door handle, while she was in the shower. She (was in a towel when she discovered it) could not get her door open.
She tried to short sheet our bed with my little sister but they did it backwards so it didn't work. Funny though. 
Meanwhile the youngest, Mr. P is watching all this nonsense and wants to join in but doesn't know how. I think I'll let him stew on it for a while. There are enough pranksters in this house for how.
Two of my favorite pranks to pull are
1: Put red koolaid in the shower head. The next person to take a shower will come out pink and red. 
2: Take panty hose and tie all the doors together while everyone is sleeping. Bang on doors really loud until they all jump up. Meanwhile have shaving cream and baby powder in zip lock baggies stuck under the door. (This prank works best with a co hort.) When they try to open the doors the hose will jerk the doors shut. That's how you know they are behind the door. Then you jump on your little bag of goodies and they are showered with a horrible sticky concoction. It works best also if you don't have enough showers for everyone to shower at once.
So there you have it. A day in the life of my messed up family. Wouldn't change a thing though. Well not until they figure out how to get me back. 
I still have a few annoying pranks I can pull out of my bag.
For example did you know that key board keys come off and go back on easily? Well they go back on easily if mom has not wrapped them individually in tin foil. Mwahahahahaha. Bring it kids!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

It's finally here!

Spring crept in slowly this past week. 
Yesterday was a balmy 71 degrees. I hurried and got my inside chores done then went for a walk. 
After my 3 miles I did something I haven't done in months. 
I went and put my shorts on. I did and I felt free.
Sitting out back on my patio, I let the sun and mild breeze caress my skin. I bathed in, soaking in all the vitamin D I could get. 
The demon inside me that had been crunching my bones with excruciating pain all winter, finally let go. 
There was not a part of my that was sad or unhappy. I felt peaceful and content as I listened to my returning friends chirping away in the tree right outside my yard.
As I lay there I slowly drifted off to sleep, I didn't even realized I did it. One minute I was looking at everything there was to see in this bright and beautiful world and the next I was in dream land. 
My dream started out wonderful. I was on a beach, (which I miss. The West coast just doesn't have as beautiful beaches as back East.)
My kids were playing in the water, chasing little sand crabs. Not as they are now but as little tykes. They were enjoying it as only children can. All innocent eyes and wonder. 
Suddenly, the sand crabs turned into lobsters and they were pinching me, over and over, all up and down my body. I woke with a start realizing that I had just experienced something that only Spring brings me. A sun burn. Oh yes my friends. I got my first skin scorching sun burn yesterday. 
Thankfully, I have enough Indian in me that today I am a nice golden brown. Last night sucked though. 
I wish you all a happy and sunburn free Spring.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

For Better or Worse

Yesterday was my 7th anniversary. So excuse my absence if you would and excuse the mush today. That's right it's massive mush day.
When I was going through my divorce it was a tough time. As with any divorce it was not a one sided affair. I have my faults and I know it so I will not place blame here. What I will say is I was making 1000 a month with an 800 a rent payment and a 400 dollar car payment. No, utilities were not included.
I had two little kids that also needed to be fed. As you can imagine I was robbing Peter to pay Paul.
I refused to get on well fare, my car was about to be repossessed. I had very little food in the house. In fact I had enough for one more meal. I was at my wits end. This is when Phillip called to check on me. We had been dating for a couple of months now and I had not told him anything about my finances. 
On top of all of this my kids were leaving for New Mexico with their father for Christmas and Phillip was leaving for Turkey. It would be my first Christmas alone. 
I did something I never do. I burst into tears and told him everything. I felt better after my cry. I knew something would work out. I prayed for help never knowing that help would come in a most unexpected way. 
About two hours after I vented to Phillip, he showed up at my door in a blue Ford explorer. I was confused. Phillip drove a black Toyota Tacoma extended cab in mint condition. What he was driving had been beat to hell and back. 
He told me he had sold his truck and gave me 2000 dollars to hold me until he got back.  He didn't want to worry about the kids having food or my having a car or a place to live while he was gone.  He was worried about my kids? Wow! He barely knew them. I argued and refused the money at first. What if we didn't work out? He informed me that if we didn't work out I was to consider it a gift. I was stunned.
Who does that? He hasn't stopped loving and caring for me or my kids since then.
Shortly after we got married my health started to go down hill fast. I had surgery our first Christmas together. They thought it was cancer, turned out it was just an abnormally large cyst. Then my eye's started going. First the right one and now the left. 
Through it all Phillip has been my rock. He has never left my side nor has he ever made me feel like it was my fault we lost everything because of my medical bills. (I do that to myself.) I can't imagine my life without him. I don't even want to. That man took his vows seriously. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. 
Thank you for being the great guy that you are Phil. I love you more today than I ever have before. When I asked God for help I'm glad you were the angel he sent to save me.

Friday, March 21, 2014

My rant for the week!

Sorry I have not been on here in a week. My computer is apparently in dire need of being thrown our the window after I smash it with a sledge hammer. Probably not the politically correct thing to say but that is how I feel. I should probably say: My computer decided to take it's annual vacation time. Although it was inconvenient for me, I will accept and love it anyway. Which leads to my next tirade. 
I have to admit I'm a little pissed off. Why? I'm glad you asked. 
My youngest son came home with a homework assignment. It read
"Some people want to change the National Anthem, either because they are from a different country, or because it mentions God. Do you think we should change the Anthem? If so why? If not why?"
If you don't want to read a rant, you might want to go read something else.
Steaming I asked my son what his thoughts were.
He said he didn't think we should change it. So he wrote an essay. I was very proud of him. 
He stated that we should not change the Anthem as this Nation was founded on the principal of Freedom of Religion. He quoted history and how the song was written by Keys while he was imprisoned on a British ship watching patriots fight for our Freedoms. 
He told how the song was written in English because that was the language our fore fathers decided this Nation should speak. He said that people that come here and want this to be there new home should learn the National Anthem and sing it with pride. 
On and on he went and it was well written for a 10 year old. I grew up in a foreign land. I learned their language, their anthem, I ate their food. We decorated the inside of our house in American fashion but we never flew our flag outside or above their flag. We respected their culture, their country and their laws. 
We did everything legally. Why? Because it was THEIR country. We were just living there. 
I now live on a military base. I love that at 7:30 rev-ally  (or however it is spelled) is played, and at 5pm the National Anthem is played, and again at 9 pm Taps is played. While those songs are playing NO ONE MOVES. Car's stop. People stop walking, running or whatever else they are doing. Children or all color, shapes, sizes and ages, stand at attention, hand over heart, facing either the flag if they can see it or the direction the music is coming from. 
I think it's a shame that we are sitting here letting illegals come here and tell us what we can and can't do. Now, we are giving them a voice on our Anthem? Really? Illegal means NOT LEGAL! Why are we even allowing this? What has our Nation become? It seems we are becoming a bunch of liberal pansies, to afraid to say or do anything in the event we might offend someone. When we were kids our parents told us not to be so thin skinned. They were right. We are wrong!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Accidents happen

I come from a family of extremely talented people. My mother for example can do anything.  It is a fact. She paints, draws, sews, makes shelves and storage spaces, she is a musician, taught herself to play the violin and piano. My brothers are also musicians and artist. My grandparents are musicians and singers. I could go on and on here but I will stop with this group for now. 
I have very little talent. Not saying I can't do anything. I just dabble around with this that and the other. 
One thing we all excel at is being accident prone. I know. You don't think it is a talent do you? Well, let's delve into some of OUR accidents.
My grandfather, has fallen off ladders and had strokes. He also had three of his fingers cut off from a circular saw. (He owned his own carpentry business and made cabinets for the stars in Hawaii) My mother, fell under a train (thankfully it was stopped) she has also fallen out of a first floor window, turned around in a doorway and blacked both of her eye's and many many other accidents. 
My brothers... well let's not even go there. 
I have cut my nipple off with a lemon slicer, (those of you that read my other blog have heard this story and I might re visit it sometime) slammed my finger into a car door and ripped my nail off, stepped on a bun tray and slid across a floor and bruised my butt bone. I'll stop there with my accident prone stories. Why am I telling you this? Because it happened again!
I was walking yesterday with my dogs, when the pup decides to make a dash for an oncoming man. I reached to grab her, stepped into a pot hole and fell straight into the man's arms. When I say fell... I mean fell! The guy grabs on and lifts me back onto my feet. I was horrified!
He, however, thought it was a great joke. (ass) 
"Well, I've heard the expression falling head over heels for someone, it's just never happened to me." He was grinning like a buffoon. 
"I'm so sorry." I muttered while cursing his humor
"Well, I'm not." OK that was blunt
I gathered myself and turned to go when the pup (she might be possessed of the devil that one) decides to give him a sniff in the crotch.
"Hey now! You didn't even buy me dinner or give me a kiss first."
He was laughing so hard, before I knew it I was laughing. 
He asked for my number. I showed him my ring. He grinned and told me I couldn't blame him for asking. I swear I meet people in the weirdest, clumsiest ways!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Monogamy. Old fashioned or should it be brought back into fashion?

People accuse me of all sorts of things. I'm an animal activist, because although I believe people should be able to hunt, I personally don't feel the need to do so. I prefer hunting my meat at the grocery store, pre packaged. That's just my preference. If I had to hunt to survive I surely would. I also do not believe we have the right to be cruel to these innocent creatures that God put us in charge of.
I have also been accused of being an environmentalist. This is simply because I take issue with God's creation being littered upon and I don't think we need more factories to put more smog in the air. Anyone that has allergies or asthma should understand that one.
However, I think the thing that bugs me the most is when people say I am old fashioned or a prude, based on the fact that I believe in monogamy.  I have been told to branch out. Have threesomes, or be with a girl. Let my husband be with another woman. The old switcheroo if you will. Why is is so hard to believe that some people just want to be with one person for the rest of their lives? Why is it so wrong of us to not want to share our most private of moments with others? 
Is our world so far gone that this is now outside of the norm? Have we let the media, society and let's face it, schools, teach out young ones that this is old fashioned and that no one does this anymore? I have been with (in the biblical sense) two men my entire life and I have been married to both of them. I take exception to being looked down upon because I have some moral fiber! 
My husband and I have agreed there are only two deal breakers as far as our marriage is concerned. 
Infidelity and abuse. Anything else we can work through. I'm coming up on 7 years of marriage with him at the end of this month. He is my best friend, the father of my children, and my only lover. 
If that makes us old fashioned well... so be it.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Motherhood. The hardest yet most rewarding job I have ever had!

I am a firm believer in consequences for actions. I have a son which I often refer to as Mr. P. He is 10 years old. His mind is like a steel trap and he is very intelligent. (Probably due to the fact that he is not my biological son.) 
However, the child, sometimes, makes no sense. 
A couple of weeks ago this child, that I love with all my heart, informs me that he wishes that I could go to school, and he could stay home and do what I do. Because, obviously all I do is play on the computer and lay around eating bon bon's . 
I stared gape jawed at the little imp. Really? Is that what they think I do all day?
So when he didn't flush the toilet AGAIN on Friday, after being warned repeatedly that he would be grounded if he didn't. (Grounding at my house is serious business. No TV, no friends, games, phone, NOTHING, except a book and chores.) 
I felt it was a great time to show him exactly what I do. I only had three hours as his mother would be picking him up for the weekend.
I had him clean bathrooms, pick up laundry, let the dogs in and out, make beds, clean his room, dust and vacuum and anything else I could possibly think of. I sat on my butt and watched TV for once. It was interesting. Had not sat down and just watched a show during the day in forever. Dr. Oz? Who knew?
By the time he got through, it was almost time for mom to show up. 
I sat him down and explained the dangers of not flushing, AGAIN. And asked him how he enjoyed being me for a couple of hours.
"That sucked!! He sulked
"But you only did it for a couple of hours. You didn't even get to clean up the yard, or litter box, or make dinner and have people complain about it. You didn't get to make kids do their homework, nor do dishes plus all the other stuff I do every day. We should do this again. I hope you forget to flush soon." I grinned knowing I had him.
"I can't. I really have to go to school. I don't like your job at all!" He almost jumped out of his seat trying to emphasize how much he hated it.
Motherhood; The hardest, yet most rewarding job I have ever done!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

I sold my husbands truck!

My husband has a 20 year old blue pick up. I got it for him about 6 years ago. The issue is that the stupid thing can only be driven in the spring or summer if the weather is nice, and it is a two passenger vehicle. Unless that is, you want to straddle the gear shifter and sit so close to the person next to you that you feel like you are being molested every time the truck makes a turn or hits a bump. Not into that. Especially when the third person usually is one of the kids. Not good. 
He told me to go ahead and sell it. So I walked down the street and sold it. No biggie. Except that after having told me to sell it this man that I love with all my heart, changes his mind. So I had to go back and say
"Never mind. My husband is using the woman's prerogative to change his mind at will." 
Yes I did say that.
That was a week ago. Last night we discussed it logically again. He said sell it. I marched my happy butt back over there and sold it. AGAIN!
The guy went to the bank immediately and within 30 minutes I had money in hand.
Mind you it's not a lot. I only got 700 for it. It's a beater though and not in great shape. My husband, and best friend, should never negotiate a deal. EVER. I told the guy 700, he was going to give him two hundred back! What the heck!
I told him this wasn't an 18 year old kid we were taking advantage of. He's in his 30's and wants a fishing truck. Shut up already! 
My husband says my Jewish heritage is showing through.
"Maybe it is babe but I just got us 200 bucks more than you wanted so stuff your whining." I grinned. I couldn't help it. Now he is missing his truck that he never drove to begin with and it has been a whole 20 minutes. 
Sometimes I worry that I am the man in this relationship. Just kidding of course. :)

Friday, March 7, 2014

How a Veteran made my day!

I have to admit that I love veterans! Those of you that know me from my other blog know my feelings on this matter. I know live on base. I have the privilege of seeing and interacting with them regularly. It delights me! Why am I going on this tangent?
The day after my surgery, my eye's were a little foggy still, but I needed a walk! I walk about three miles a day, and I had not done this in a couple of days so I was feeling a little claustrophobic. Meaghan loaded up Lily in her stroller, and I gathered my dogs. For those of you that do not know I lost my St Bernard on New Years eve. It was horrible and we are not going to talk about it. Anyway Phil got me a puppy for Valentines day. She is a Border Collie, Kelbi mix. Her name is Gidget. (Not sure on the spelling of the second breed.) 
We walked to the shoppette and got a drink. Meaghan stayed outside with the dogs and baby. When I came out and older African American gentleman ask what kind of dogs they were and asked why I had a thing around the Australian Shepherds nose. He wanted to know if he bites. I told him it was a leader and that Rango leads me around things by pulling me to the side as I am legally blind. 
"Legally blind did you say? Then you can't see how devastatingly handsome I am? Well, I look like..." At this point we both said Denzel Washington at the same time. I laughed and said
"How did I know you were going to say that?"
"All the pretty ladies love Denzel!" He exclaimed also laughing.. 
"Are you flirting with me? My husband would not like that at all sir!" I grinned. I couldn't help it.
"If you liked it then yes. If you didn't then no." He replied and waited patiently for me to answer.
"I am flattered! That's for sure, but you better go get your stuff in the store. Before my kid tattles to my husband and he knocks you out." 
He took my hand and kissed it. KISSED my hand! Oh I was in stitches now! Then he walked away whistling like he didn't have a care in the world. 
He made my day!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Waterboarding my eye

I know it is a strange title. Patience little one I will explain that in a minute.
First though if someone could PLEASE tell me how to add the follow button I certainly will. Two people have figured it out now I just have too.. Feeling a little special right now!
On to today's topic
The experiences you go through in life make you who you are. For me in particular although many are rough, after the fact I find the humor in it. I can't help it. God had a sense of humor (and I believe He is also sarcastic) when he designed me.
I went in for my eye appointment to schedule surgery and do the normal jumping through hoops these Dr. require before placing me on the table of doom and torturing me for hours. (I truly believe my Dr's are sadistic.)
They took some pictures (about 100) to measure my lens and if I had not been blind to begin with by the time they were done with that nonsense I would have been. Nothing better than bright lights flashing over and over in your eye while someone tells you not to blink. At one point I almost yelled
"If I don't blink soon my eye is going to become jerky!"
After that lovely episode they take me back into the torture chamber and tell me to sit in the queen's chair. (REALLY?) I did the right thing and giggled at the prepubescent young man sitting in front of me.
Hiked my butt into the chair and waited, and waited, and waited some more. Finally the same child comes in with a machine big enough to start a dead plane engine and says
"Sorry but your lens is so thick our new machines can't see through it."
"What is this new torture device?" I asked laughing at his shocked face
"Oh. Well it is kinda archaic but it is the only thing we can think of that might give us a proper measurement." the cherub answered sweetly
"Do you mind if I go get the others? No one has seen this work before and we should probably all know how to use it in case this ever happens again."
As usual I am the special case.
"No that is fine." I reply and to my husbands great horror "Bring in the clowns!" I exclaimed feeling quite friendly.
Had I known what was about to happen I would have put on my ninja suit, grabbed my ball and went home as inconspicuously as possible.
First they put some drops in my eye that I am pretty sure consisted of jalapeno juice and jet fuel. The burning was pretty intense.
"Are you ok?" The youngest child in the room asked
"Peachy. Let's get this party started. If that was a prelude to what is coming this is going to be amazing!" I growled at her little blond head.
Next, Something resembling one of my grandaughters anti air bottle filters was suction cupped on to my eye ball while the original teen age male working on me (and the only male in the room. He was showing off for all the pretty girls he brought in.) tells me to relax. It shouldn't hurt, he doesn't think it will anyway.
What? Are you serious?
"Just get it done" I answered losing my good humor.
He proceeded to waterboard my eye! I wish I was kidding but that is what happened. Fluid spouted from the tube attached to my eye ball and he moved the thing around telling me to look in different directions and follow his finger.
"You do know I am blind? Right? I mean before you decided to use the ultimate torture you read my chart?" I asked seriously feeling like my eye was drowning. Panic was taking over. What if this fluid went into my mouth? Would he stop flirting long enough to realize I can't swim? Would he turn the blasted machine off?
"Please stop moving.. Okay just looked to the left. Good. Now to the right..."
"Are you almost done?" I asked tears mixing with the fluid and only making my situation worse.
"Do you need a break?' he asked finally paying attention to my distress
"No just hurry up. We still have to do the other one right?" I growled trying to contain the urge to bight his chubby little hand that was so close to my mouth.
"Um yes."
After the first eye was done they did my better eye. It was a little less traumatic.
This is when I figured out why they cover the faces of the people they water board. If you can't see it coming it is terrifying. When you can see it coming it is just scary.
Anyway they finally got all the stinking measurements they needed. As the girls exited the room one said sweetly
"Thank you for letting us watch.."
Without thinking it through I spouted back.
"Well, I'm glad I could help teach you to torture people. We should do this again sometime. You people know how to throw a party!"
I have never seen five people high tail it out of the room so quickly.
I know I should not have taken it out on them. It wasn't there fault. Seriously though with all the Ipads Ipods and everything else you would think they could figure out how to make a less traumatic machine.
Again if anyone can please tell me how to add my follow button I would appreciate it and I promise not to yell at you. :)

Saturday, March 1, 2014

First heart break

My youngest son, Mr. P., came home recently with the most devastated face.
"What happened bud?" I asked him quietly
"Why are girls so weird?" He asked me while his little face looked up at me so forlorn I wanted to hug him. At 10 he would not have appreciated me doing that so I passed.
"Tell me what happened."
"Ok, fine. This girl kept bugging me and bugging me because she wanted me to be her boyfriend. (My heart skipped a beat here. Already? No way! He's not old enough is he?) So finally I said FINE! Then everyone started teasing us saying P has a girl friend ewww. Mr. P and C sitting in a tree... ( YOu know how the rest goes) So she broke up with me because she said it was to much pressure and she didn't need that. Now she won't talk to me and she keeps hitting me when I am not ready saying HA UNEXPECTED! THEN, when we are in line she puts someone between us and says I don't want to even stand by him. He disgust me!"
As a mom I wanted to laugh at first but as his tirade continued I wanted to find the little twit and beat her butt! Is that wrong? Maybe, but the urge was strong. 
"Maybe she is just upset because she knows she made a mistake breaking up with you and she has a broken heart?" My daughter chimed in.
"She broke her own dang heart then cause I didn't do it." He walked off disgusted with girls. 
Thank God for that! I am not ready for another kid into love drama yet.