Irreverent sense of humor

I've mentioned before that my brother Shannon and I have serious health problems and that we make fun of each other and laugh about it. It's not mean, it's just the way we deal with it. Better to laugh than cry.
Having said that, here is a conversation we had on facebook earlier. The back story is that I had just received my monthly shot in the eye.
Me: My eye is on fire.
Him: I told you to stop standing so close to the stove.
Me: You are just racist! You think that just because I'm a woman I was cooking? I was vacuuming thank you very much... Oh wait... Scracth that.
You may not find that amusing but we laughed our butts off. :) Hope you are having a fun and funny day too. What do you guys do for a laugh when you are down? 

The last first day

Today was a big last day. It's the last first day of school for my son Kyle. He is a senior this year. It was also the last first day of elementary school for my little Mr. P. He is in sixth grade this year. It's hard to think that if all goes as Kyle hopes by next summer he will be out on his own, and my baby will be in Junior High next year. May not seem like a big deal to most but to me it is. 
I remember holding both of them after bad dreams and teaching them both to brush their teeth. I remember bed time stories and songs and "Can you tuck me in?" request. 
Then one day it stopped. They stopped asking me for help. They stopped holding my hand. They stopped wanting me to walk them to school and they stopped asking me to bandage their knees and kiss it better.
They started getting embarrassed by public shows of affection and the words " I love you" were never to be spoken in front of friends.
The dancing stopped in the stores and they didn't even want me to pick their clothes.
No notes in lunch boxes please. After all the girl I like might see it or one of my friends. 
Bouquets of dandelions and weeds were replaced with a quick hug and rushed I love you as they ran out the door.
My boys are growing up and they are leaving me behind and although in my heart I am proud of the handsome, smart and great young men they are becoming, I long for one more night of them being small enough to crawl into my lap and ask me to sing them a good night sone. I long for the little grubby hands to reach for mine, and the days my clothes were always dirty from little pig pens jumping into my arms when they came home. 
I know they have to grow up. I accept this and when they stand by my side one taller than me and the other almost as tall, I am pleased that I can say without a doubt that they love me and are good boys. 
Still... I miss all the last first times I didn't realize I was having at the time.
For those of you with little ones, don't begrudge that late night feeding or those early morning wake up cries. Don't fuss about the hand prints on the walls or the bugs in the pockets. There will come a day when you will long for one more rolly polly filled pocket, one more dandelion bouquet, one more good night kiss.
Cherish each moment as if it were the last. It just might be after all.

Job titles.

A young lady came to my door and asked if she could do a survey with me. I had a minute so I said yes.
She asked my name, address (which amused me since she was on my door step.) and then my favorite question came...
"What is your occupation?"
Well my mind went wild!
I am a babysitter, financial consultant, psychiatrist, chef, I run a laundry mat, lawyer, doctor, physical fitness coach, referee, school teacher, I grocery shop for others, bill pay, dog walker, furniture repair woman, plumber, maintenance personnel, on call pharmacist, among other things. Did I mention I do it all pro bono and I have the worst co-workers in the world? They can't do anything for themselves without my telling them to and even then they act like I'm killing them.
What I actually said was 
"I'm a stay at home mom."
Her response?
"Lucky you!"
Shoot me now!!!

I have become a mass murderer.

I occasionally have moments of brilliance. Moments when the perfect post pops into my head and I feel that "ah ha" moment happening.
These moments happen in the middle of the night, or in the middle of some other activity, when I cannot access my computer. 
I must apologize to all of you for cheating you out of these brilliant moments.
Meanwhile I will recount a little tid bit that just happened.
I was minding my own business the other day when I heard a muffled growl. I went into the kitchen, where the sound came from and saw, to my horror, what had happened.
My middle son was wildly attacking my counter with his SHOE!
upon closer inspection I joined him.
We had been invaded! They were everywhere! Tiny little bodies flew as we smacked and attacked! 
We didn't give any quarter. I heard one little voice scream 
"Spare the old and the children! Have mercy!"
I laughed like a mad woman and beat that voice down. 
We had to change our strategy. There were to many of them. 
Kyle pulled the fridge and oven out and I grabbed the broom while he grabbed the death sentence for our visiting tyrants.
Sugar Ants went still as the bug spray killed hundreds maybe even thousands.
I swept them up as quickly as he killed them, only slipping once in the mess as I shooed the dogs and other kids away.
As we annihilated an entire colony of ants I had a moment of pity for the lives I had helped take. No worries it only lasted a split second. I saw one we missed and finished that little creep off too.
That my friends is how I became a mass murderer. 

Stomp boy stomp

Life takes so much time. I know that is a stupid way of saying it but it is true. Watching my little Lily is very time consuming but rewarding. Which is why I have not been here much lately. Anyway here is one event I dealt with this week.
I was talking to my youngest, Mr. P, and we were discussing discipline. 
He was telling me what he remembered about me punishing him when he was little. He said that one time when he was little he pitched a fit and I made him stomp for two hours.
I laughed.
What actually happened is that he threw a tantrum the likes of which I have never seen before. He threw himself on the floor kicking and screaming and beating his fist on the floor.
I picked him up and took him to my room, still flailing like a hyena and sat him on the floor.
I then told him that if he wanted to throw a fit he could.
"Stand up and stomp and scream, bot."
He looked at me all kinds of confused, but did as he was told. After a few seconds he stopped.
"I didn't tell you to stop. Keep going. I'll tell you when you are done."
Now, this did not make him happy and he protested but I insisted and so he continued. 
I made him do this for five minutes. He fell on the floor crying and I picked him up and held him. I told him that I loved him but his behavior was not ok. I also explained that every time he pitched a fit of disobeyed me there would be consequences for his actions.
At this point in my life I was entering all new territory. You see Mr. P is not my biological son. He is my step son. However he is my heart son and I love him dearly.
He is turning out to be a very strong and sweet boy. I am proud of him. He knows not to push me and when he does he understands he will have to pay for it but he also knows that I love him.
Yes, life takes a lot of my time, but I'm realizing that it fly's by quickly and before I know it all my babies will be gone and I will have more than enough time to write and do what I want. For now I will write when I can find a minute and enjoy those precious people in my life.
I hope you are all having a wonderful week.

I'm back jack!

Well I am back! July was so crazy I barely had time to breath. My sister got married and all went well. My parents were here for a couple of weeks and that went well. My kids birthday's came and went and all is well.
However, I have developed some kind of problem with my left arm which is unfortunate since I am left handed.
I am on muscle relaxers that don't seem to be working and 800 m of Ibuprofen which also seems to not be working. 
The pain starts between my shoulder blades and up into my shoulder and neck and down my left arm. Very inconvenient. 
Sleeping is something of the past apparently. Oh well. I'm alive and that is what matters.
So for today I will just say Hi to everyone and that I am back. Will have something better next time. 
Hope you all had a wonderful July. 

I need a pop moment.

This month has been insanity. Two of our friends are moving within days, my sisters birthday is the 16th my son's birthday is the 22 and my daughters birthday is the 28th In the middle of all this my parents are flying in for my sisters wedding on the 14th and her wedding is actually the 18th. I feel like a chicken with my head chopped off. Add to this that I have started having hot flashes that makes me feel like someone doused me in gasoline and set me on fire, not to mention that they hit at odd ball times, like when I am out walking in 95 degree weather and you can see that life is wonderful. I have to say that I am super excited about this new chapter in my life. Oh yes. When they said this feeling of going through puberty can last for up to 10 years I almost asked to be euthanized. Gentlemen please don't judge me as for saying that. If you were my husband you might make that happen. The over sensitive feeling of ants biting my skin does not promote anyone touching me I can assure you. As for the other hormones raging through me 100 miles an hour God help me. I am up and down all over the place. Not pleasant. Sarcasm seems to be my main mode of communication in case you might have wondered. 
So over all everything is going well, except that I have decided God is definitely a male and is not very fond of his female creations. Why else would he have cursed us to go through child birth and menopause? Men have to work by the sweat of their browse. I'd willingly trade places. 
So be patient with me this month as I struggle through it. I will be in and out writing and reading blog post. I have not been murdered, kidnapped, or died, just trying to survive July. Then I can focus on this nonsense going on with my body. Planning on having a very serious talk with myself and pull my head out of my ass as soon as I am done writing this. If you hear a giant pop that sounds like an explosion, wherever you are in the world, know I have succeeded. If not just pray that I get it out of there before I suffocate. I have heard that it is a painful process.